etiquette

As the invitation etiquette expert for About.com's AllExperts, Richelle (the original girl in Girl Metro) has fielded all kinds of questions. Some of the most common questions are listed below. We've broken them up by rough subject so that you can find the subject that interests you quickly. If you don't happen to see something here, please feel free to email Richelle directly and get an answer.

wording questions :: assembly questions :: addressing questions :: everything else questions

My parents (or his parents, my Great Uncle Tim and Aunt Trudy, Superman and Lois Lane) are paying for (all of, part of, this specific thing for) the wedding. How do I word that?
The short answer is that you don't. There's a very common misconception that the person or persons listed at the top of a wedding invitation are bankrolling the event. This is not - absolutely not - true. There should be no indication at all on a wedding invitation as to who is contributing financially. The wedding is not a contest over how much money a family has or is willing to spend.

In the Christian tradition, the bride's parents are listed at the top of the invitation because they are giving their daughter to the groom in marriage. Outdated and old fashioned it may be, but then most proper etiquette is, as it was created and in use long before the women's movement.

In the Jewish tradition, the bride's parents names are listed first, followed by the groom's parents names, as it shows that both sets of parents are blessing the union.

Should a stepparent be listed on the invitation?
Traditionally, stepparents are not listed on the invitation at all, unless they have helped to raise the bride/groom. The exception to this rule is that if a stepparent's (or a parent's) feelings would be hurt by the omission; in such a case, it is considered appropriate to list the stepparent rather than cause a rift in the family.

Is it "pleasure of your company" or "honor of your presence?"
"The pleasure of your company" is used when the ceremony is taking place somewhere other than a house of worship; "hono(u)r of your presence" is used exclusively when the ceremony is conducted in a house of worship.

Is it "honour" or "honor"
You may use either spelling; most brides find "honour" more formal-sounding. Remember that whichever you choose to use, that the word "favor" on your response card is spelled in the same fashion ("honor" and "favor" or "honour" and "favour").

When is it appropriate to include "and at the reception?"
Only when the ceremony and reception are taking place at the same location, and the reception follows very shortly after the ceremony. If there is a gap in time (say, more than an hour) between ceremony and reception or cocktail hour, or if the ceremony and reception are held in two different locations, then you should include a separate reception card.

What order should everything go into the envelope?
According to tradtion, your enclosures should go from top to bottom, in this order:
The smallest enclosure, such as the within-the-ribbon card, should be the topmost card. Stack the cards in order of size, ending with the invitation itself. A note for response cards with envelopes: tuck the response card under the flap of the envelope, and place in your stack of enclosures with the card facing up.

Do I need to include a tissue?
Nope. The origins of the tissue paper in invitations actually go back to a common mistake. The tissue was placed between each invitation to keep the ink, which dried very slowly, from smudging while in transport to the bride's parents. It was meant to be thrown away when the invitations were assembled, but many people mistakenly included it as part of their invitation. Given that ink technology has advanced considerably and tissue is no longer necessary, we don't include it in our suites. If you feel strongly that it should be included, however, we can work with you on that.

Do I have to have an inner envelope?
No. Although traditionally, an inner envelope is included, it's a pretty antiquated notion. We love the idea of a simple paper sash with your guest's name on it instead of the inner envelope, or just skipping them all together to save some money on postage (and a few trees, to boot). We do carry inner/outer envelope sets, since they are still desired by many brides, however, our inner/outer envelope sets are only available in white or ecru.

If I don't have an inner envelope, how do I indicate who is invited?
There are two ways to indicate who is invited to your wedding. The first is to write the name of each person you are inviting in the household on the outer envelope, instead of just a family name. If you wish to indicate that a single person may bring a guest, it is acceptable to write the invited person’s name followed by the words "and Guest" on the outer envelope. The second way is to use a paper sash as you would an inner envelope, by writing the invited guests’ names on it, and the family name only on the outer envelope.

Can I just print clear labels with my guests' addresses?
You could, but we don't recommend it... And that's not just because we're friends with our calligraphers. With the amount of impersonal, mass-produced mail that people receive every day, there's something really special about receiving a piece of mail which is hand-addressed (whether it's by the bride, or by a calligrapher). It shows that the sender took time out of his or her busy life; made an effort to give the envelope a personal touch. It also says "this is an important piece of mail!" in a way that a clear label never could.

How should I address my invitations?
It depends on how formal your invitations are. The more formal the invitation, the more formal your forms of address should be. The most formal addressing format is as follows (note that everything is fully written out, no abrieviations), centered on the front of the envelope:
Mr. and Mrs. John Doe inner envelope/bellyband: Mr. and Mrs. Doe
123 West Main Street
Town, State 12345

Addressing them yourself? As far as what kind of pen and ink to use, we recommend checking your local art supply store for a fine art or calligraphy pen which has waterproof ink. Take a couple of days to practice on scratch paper, and then go for it. You might want to make a guide sheet, with heavy black rules to place inside the envelope. The heavy rules will be slightly visible through the envelope, and will help you keep the lines of the address straight.

How do I address inner envelopes?
There are many permutations of the inner envelope address, but the basics are these:

Inviting a married couple:
Mr. and Mrs. Doe

Inviting a married couple in which the couple do not share a name:
Ms. Doe
and Mr. Smith

Inviting a married couple and their children under 18:
Mr and Mrs. Doe
Jane and Jack

Inviting children over 18, still living at home (note: this situation requires 2 invitations sent to the family home)
The Misses Doe (if they are sisters)
The Messrs. Doe (if they are brothers)
or
Miss Doe
Mr. Doe (if they are brother and sister)

Should I send an invitation to the officiant?
Although he or she has already made plans to be at the wedding, it is a nice gesture to send a formal invitation to your officiant. If you plan to invite the spouse or partner of the officiant, this is the best way to let them both know they are welcome to attend.

When should wedding invitations be sent out?
The standard answer is 6 to 8 weeks before the wedding. However, if you have a large number of out-of-town or overseas guests (and are not sending information prior to the invitation, such as in a save the date card), it might be a good idea to send them 10 to 12 weeks before the wedding.

Do I have to invite all of my out-of-town guests to the rehearsal dinner?
Historically, every out-of-town guest was invited to stay in the home of the bride's or groom's family, and all were invited to the rehearsal dinner. Clearly, this is not often done now! Whether or not you choose to invite all of your out-of-town guests to your rehearsal dinner is a function of budget, more often than not. Have a frank discussion with your future in-laws (if they are hosting the dinner), or decide what will be best for you. If it is long running tradition in either family to invite everyone, then it's best to find a way to do so. If there is no tradition, it is up to the hosts to decide.

How many programs should I order?
Review your guest list to determine the total you need to give one to every person you've invited. It's important to have one for each person if there is a response or song that must be spoken by the guests, or if the majority of your guests are unfamiliar with the traditions which will appear in your ceremony. If neither of those situations applies, then you may decide that one per couple is enough; in that case, order the same number of programs as you have invitation sets.

How many place cards/table cards should I order? One per person, or one per couple?
If you have a very specific placement in mind for each table, it is a good idea to make sure there is one placecard for each person; table cards can be one per couple or family, as their main purpose is to inform guests at which table they are seated.

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